The Paradox of Being Facebook Friends
Our culture’s obsession with moving “onwards and upwards” regarding personal relationships makes us lose sight of all the amazing people we already have.
Hi Internet Friend,
It’s been a hot sec. Well, 260 days to be exact.
Between my last Substack post and now, I got a few bylines in Filipino publications covering arts, culture, and lifestyle. I interviewed a few people I admired, honed my wordsmithing, and had way too much fun. But, the most spectacular and unexpected blessing to come out of this was reconnecting with old friends. It turns out that people I met ten years ago read my stuff.
When my essay was shortlisted at an art writing contest in 2023, a high school acquaintance sat in the crowd during the awarding ceremony. Afterward, they DM’d me and asked if we could hang out. In late 2024, I bumped into a former homeroom classmate in the mall. They told me they enjoyed my article on Brutalism and shared it with some friends. Writing ripped open my past. Like others on the beat, curiosity took over me.
What are my old friends doing now? Did I miss anything?
One afternoon, I grabbed an oat matcha, pulled my blanket over me, and logged back into Facebook to find out. In the 2010s, we added everyone we met on the social media giant. Watching the newsfeed load block-by-block felt like opening a time capsule from 2019.
While I spent most of my time on Instagram, Twitter/X/whatever, and other apps, Facebook receded into my browser history. It’s the 21st-century equivalent of a dusty telephone book. Even NIKI sings about the Facebook wasteland in “Facebook Friends.”
“What’s in the cards for us? Maybe just to stay friends on Facebook,” she croons about the aftermath of a breakup, noting how Facebook holds space for not-friends-not-strangers relationships. This liminality makes being Facebook friends its unique type of relationship: lacking the admiration of Instagram mutuals and the iciness of LinkedIn connections.
Yet, once I scrolled through that baby-blue feed, I learned that people I brushed aside in my youth ended up leading enviable lives. Some earned grad degrees across the world, others popped the question, and maybe one or two got kids. The last time I checked, all of us were stressing about the SATs.
Regret washed over me. During all these years, I had a plethora of opportunities to reconnect. I let those chances slip through the crevices of life’s demands. My career, family time, and making new friends filled up my calendar—and headspace. It seems like the stars have to align for me to rekindle old friendships. Or, I could just scroll through Facebook again.
The Good Old Days on Facebook
I could tell you all about how Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook in his Harvard dorm room. But David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin do a much better job in the film “The Social Network.” Now, I want to tell you about my history on Facebook.
In the late 2000s, I begged my parents to create my Facebook account so I could play Pet Society. They secretly regret this decision because I spent most of my time on Facebook playing more games and chatting with friends instead of studying. But Facebook came in handy when I moved to a new high school. I was so nervous and wanted to make a good first impression. I added all my new classmates on Facebook and memorized their birthdays. I greeted all of them on time. Instead of impressing them, I creeped them out. Hey, at least I was memorable.
While I looked up my Model United Nations crushes, Zuckerberg and company grew this site into the socio-cultural behemoth we know today. In January 2009, Facebook had 150 million monthly active users (MAUs). By the end of 2019, the site had 2.45 billion MAUs—a staggering 600% increase in a decade. Even if I spend less time on Facebook, I can’t deny the convenience of having so many people I know accessible in one place.
The Decade-Long Path to Friendship
Thanks to my bylines, some people re-entered my orbit after being in Facebook purgatory. The last time I saw these folks was during my high school graduation ceremony, yet they remained a chat message away. I wonder what course my life would’ve taken if I reached out in the intervening years. I hope I’m not the only one who ruminates over missed opportunities.
All the reconnecting in my life now reminds me of my favorite movie, “When Harry Met Sally…” Directed by Rob Reiner and co-written by Reiner and Nora Ephron (one of my favorite writers), the film follows Harry and Sally as they go from acquaintances to friends to lovers over a decade.
When I first watched this rom-com masterpiece fifteen years ago, I fell in love with the witty dialog (“I’ll have what she’s having,” anyone?) and friends-to-lovers fairytale ending. But, now as a wizened Gen Z, I appreciate the realistic trajectory of the leads’s friendship.
Harry and Sally kinda hated each other when they first met. They only decided to give friendship a shot ten years—and a few breakups—after meeting. Circumstances and worldviews shifted. Harry and Sally changed. These changes created the perfect conditions for renewed friendship.
For some reason, I don’t hear a lot of “When Harry Met Sally…” reconnection stories floating around online and in my (very small, very niche) social circle. Instead, discussions surrounding adult friendships center on losing friends, outgrowing cliques, and saying tough goodbyes. Our culture’s obsession with moving “onwards and upwards” regarding personal relationships makes us lose sight of all the amazing people we already have. As the idiom goes, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
In 2024, I went through so many personal and professional changes last year. In between writing assignments, I hung out with my friend from the awards show. I initially brushed this person aside when I met them through a mutual friend in high school. But, now we can’t stop talking and sharing memes and hanging out. Having a shared past, albeit small and distant, helped me (ever cautious and paranoid) open up to them quickly. They anchored me.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
As I write this post, I notice how easily the words come. I started ZERO PERCENT SUGAR in 2023 to try writing as a designer. Back then, I agonized over picking between “respite” or “repose” to use in a sentence (now, the simple “break” works wonders). The process of writing and publishing rewired my brain and reconfigured my identity. I don’t even identify as a designer anymore because I spend more time with language.
The me from 2023 feels like a fever dream. You can imagine how much I’ve changed compared to me’s from 2019, 2014, and 2009. Am I still me?
This quarter-life identity crisis harkens back to the Ship of Theseus thought experiment. In Greek mythology, Athenians commemorate Theseus’s heroics by sailing his ship. Over the years, the ship received maintenance work until, eventually, each part of the ship was replaced. Is this ship still the ship of Theseus?
I scroll through all the friends I accumulated on Facebook. Only a few changed their names. If I see any of them in public, I could probably recognize them (yes, even after a decade). But, like the ship, I can’t decide if they’re the same or not.
Fear takes over. I’m afraid of misidentifying someone and embarrassing myself in public. If I correctly identify an old Facebook friend, then they might remember all the cringe things I did before. Worst of all, we might have nothing to talk about and I’ll look intrusive. All the parts of their lives—including our friendship—changed. I’m not even sure if I’m brave enough to pick up the connection.
Instead, I put my noise-canceling earphones on and find solace in NIKI’s words: “And I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t have to be so wrong to try again. But, for now, we’ll stay Facebook friends.”
Staying Facebook Friends
By the end of 2024, Facebook has 3.065 billion MAUs. For the record, the world has 8 billion people. Almost half of the world’s population is on Facebook. As for me, I have 1,053 Facebook friends yet I only talk to around 15 of them every month. For the record, I interact with 1.4% of all my friends.
Unlike Zuckerberg, I’m not proud of my stats. I wish I could be braver, like that friend who reached out to me in 2023. I must have missed out on knowing some amazing people because I was obsessed with the next assignment, job, and networking event.
We search the world for the best, only to discover it’s been in the backyard all along. After many, many years of letting cowardice and greed win, I learned the paradox of being Facebook friends is not occupying the undefined space of being strangers and friends. The paradox is my decision to retreat into isolation amid an overabundance of opportunity.
“Maybe you should start posting again,” my dad texts me after one of my many existential rants in the family group chat. “So the likes of them could see.”
Connection doesn’t have to be complicated. On Facebook, I changed my profile picture. I sent birthday greetings to former teachers. I post more. Slowly, I open myself up again. The changes are minute, but together, they make me new. These small adjustments orchestrate chance encounters until the day I feel brave enough to message first.
Instead of seeing friendships as spaces we grow into or out of, I propose a different analogy. Like stars and asteroids, people come in and out of our orbits. The first time, they scratch the surface. The second time, they collide. On rare occasions, they travel with us along the same path.
From now on, I’m going to muster just enough courage to send what could be a life-changing DM. Who knows? I could live out my version of “When Harry Met Sally…” Or, I could anchor someone else, just as my friend anchored me. It’s time to leap. And, if you’re still hesitant or scared, or self-conscious, just stay Facebook friends until you’re ready to shift orbits.
Thanks for staying with me,
Madeleine
So glad to see ZPS back <3 This was a fantastic read Mads!!